Unspoken

feelings unplugged

Today, I caught myself asking aloud,

"Who's going to take care of me?"

I always thought that I didnt need anyone to do that(taking care)

I can fend for myself pretty well.
Boyfriend or no boyfriend alike. I ALWAYS THOUGHT.
Until a couple of days ago,
I read someone telling another this,
"I wish I could take care of you."

I couldnt explain who i felt at that time
But it was unbearably painful.
So painful, that even as im typing this now,
it's so hard not to keep the tears from falling.

God, des,
Since when have you become such a weakling?

Even if those words carry no weight,
They kept ringing in my mind.
All. The. Damn. Time.

Nobody in my entire life
has ever said that to me.
Not even remotely close.

I feel like I've lost the right
to have these words spoken to me.

Hmm... I'm so petty.

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"Don't try to fix something that's already broken;
you'll hurt from picking the pieces."

I dont mind getting cut from the pieces;
For i was the one who smashed our vase.
Slowly, I glue piece by piece with 'compromise'
Maybe too much;
That to you, I dont seem to be myself anymore.
But it seems that no matter how well I've tried
to piece them all together,
The cracks of insecurity,irritation and our past
Still remain.
Tiny gaps of pain,silence and miscommunication(or the lack of it)
are not visible but they are all around.

Therefore,
no matter how hard i try,
Our vase will never be the same again.
It wouldnt be as full due to the gaps.

This is what hurts the most.

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You always say
that I'm not trying enough
that everything you do does not please me at all
that you always make me cry
that it feels like you are the one that's torturing me
that I am going to dump you at any time
that I dont listen to you
that I dont want to tell you anything
that I am always silent when things go wrong
that I get so easily irritated with you
that I am cold towards you
that I AM BEING FAKE
that I always like to scold you
that I always look down on you
that I dont support you
that I dont listen to you
that I dont love you

I will tell you this:

You're not toturing me.

You're making me feel so insecure the feeling is eating me inside out.

When I am silent, Im trying to hold myself together, usually to keep my tears from falling. Which, unfortunately, never seem to work.

I always listen to what you have to say, it may not seem like it, mostly because we just dont like the same things. Even when I dont agree on decisions that you make, I'll still respect them and even help you look out for them when Im not with you.

Sometimes, as hard as i try, I just cant bring myself to like what you like.
But I do take note.

Im not being fake, Im more like adapting;
Trying to mould myself to become a better person for you.

I've told you before,
I dont want anyone else.
So here I am trying my damn hardest to make this work.

You have no idea how Terrified I am of losing you again.
Yes again.
Even though i know that I was the one who let go in the first place.
You said that you wouldnt be surprised if i were to repeat history,
even after I told you the above.
It feels like Im holding on to someone who is ready to let go.
I've been living day by day ever since.
I have you physically, but where is your heart at?

My irritation rate is insane i know;
Too impulsive that sometimes I want to slap myself cos I know we're going lunge into a senseless quarrel just because.
But God know Ive been trying to change,
even if you think otherwise.
I still am.

I dont look down on you.
I dont even look down on anyone. I even know what it's like to see all my friends graduate while im still stuck in school. Therefore, I know full well that Im not intelligent to begin with thus, things that I know, I'd naturally consider them to be common sense to others and will have this "wtf why you dont know?" type of reaction when you dont. For that, Im really sorry.

I have this naturally sarcastic tone
Even if Im not being mean.
Especially while texting.

If you think buying and taking me to expansive places is loving me, then you are wrong. To me, those are bonuses. The most love I felt most was when you brought those bread that we both love to my house, when we cuddled and fall asleep hugging, and when we wake up in the morning, you'd hug me again because you know we're not going to see each other for awhile. For awhile, I felt needed and wanted.

Im not the kind of person who will mother you around.
That's your mom's job, not mine.
Unfortunately, Im also not the kind who will sympathise with you.

However, I will be there to comfort you.
I cant promise you that I'll have the solutions,
but I promise I'll be quiet when you need some peace.
I just hope that I am the one that you want to be with,
even in those moments.

I know damn well im not the easiest person to be with,
But I hope you wont give up on me.

I want to be with you for better AND for worse.
Now, where is your heart truly at?
I can only hope that you'd want the same thing too..

Just because
I love you.

@2:08 AM
Saturday, July 14, 2012